Normal Nancy

           The question that intrigued me the most from the reading of "Disability" by Nancy Mairs was the effect of how one sees or values themselves. How one views themselves... perhaps that is apart of their own identity as well? Someone like Nancy Mairs, who has a disability, is also extremely self-confident. She is able to overcome her disability and see herself as a normal individual. It is her disability that gives her such strong determination. So is the key all about mentality? How one chooses to view them self? It is apparent that one's own thoughts and feelings are, to some extent, influenced by one's own surroundings. It is also apparent from the looks and stares seen in public that disabilities are not normal. But what about mental disabilities? Qualities such as one's own self-esteem or personality. Surely those may not be as extremely obvious to the everyday commoner, but they are also disabilities. Those, I believe, may be some of the toughest to overcome. Someone who lacks the fiery passion of Mairs will have a much more difficult time accepting who they are. The Media, as Nancy Mairs explains, is responsible for much of this. It is difficult for one to accept them self, if they are not accepted by somebody else first. As humans we are always insecure. About our looks, our personality, our relationship with others... our everything. The Media, either directly or indirectly, continues to perpetuate images of beauty standards and "normalcy". It is from this that we continue to widen the gap between an actual human and their idealized images. As time moves forward, society will continue to chase after the intangible, perfectionist views that are portrayed on magazine covers and TV ads. It is from this that we continue to follow this upward trend of the idealized image, and aim to prove to ourselves that we are "normal". We are not. To be someone who you are not is the exact opposite of what it is to be normal.

"In the extreme, you might feel as thought you don't exist... Everyone else is "there", sucking breath mints and splashing cologne and swigging wine coolers. You're "not there." And if not there, nowhere."

The Hidden Side

              I love stories that bring up characters that have a hidden side/motivations. It's even better when these characters are portrayed in such a way that makes them seem cunning or manipulative. For these two reasons alone I was absorbed by the first five chapters of The Great Gatsby. The story consists of many characters that fit these two qualities. They have an artificial outward appearance and choose to hide themselves deep inside. In doing so, however, the characters use lies. Mr. Gatsby, for example, seems to have grown up in the "Middle West" of San Francisco; Jordan Baker seems to have changed the minds of witnesses. Even Nick, who seems to be the most honest character in the novel, uses manipulative words. Gatsby, however, is the most notable character for this trait with his vast connections and use of others. Although he puts up a front that seems genuine and trustworthy, his relations with others just serve to further his own means. This can be  seen with Nick. Gatsby befriends Nick because of one reason: his present relations with Daisy. Ultimately, however, one can see Gatsby's change in nature once he achieves his purpose. He loses interest in Nick after being reintroduced. Nick is simply a tool at Gatsby's disposal.

"They had forgotten me, but Daisy glanced up and held out her hand; Gatsby didn't know me now at all... I went out of the room and down the marble steps into the rain, leaving them there together."

              Even early on, however, we can see that Gatsby is not as flawless as when he first appeared. He makes mistakes when lying, and occasionally fails to hide his emotions. He slips up the most after being reunited with Daisy. When Nick asks what business he's involved in, Gatsby, not thinking, tells Nick that it's "[his own] affair". He is unsure of what to do when Daisy enters; he "reevaluates" himself and his possessions when touring, and nearly "topples down a flight of stairs". These instances demonstrate the persona that Gatsby has spent the last several years creating: one of grand wealth and importance. He believes that such a thing is essential for him to win over Daisy. In doing so, however, he lies. He hides his genuine personality. He uses others. He involves himself with scandalous people and activities. He sacrifices his own past and his own identity. To finally achieve his dream of being with Daisy, Gatsby destroys himself. 

I Just Wanted To Say...

                  Pecola and I are alike. We both share something in common, our feelings of inadequacy. No, I am not going to argue that I have it nearly as bad her. Truth be told, you'll be hard pressed to find someone as damaged as her. But, this emotion that we share stems from none other than ourselves. Our own self-hatred; our own self-loathing. The difference, however, between our desires is that one is physically impossible to obtain, while the other is attainable through hard work and dedication. So, even when given the opportunity, a golden opportunity for change, I do nothing. Pecola, on the other hand, is hopeful. She prays and seeks help. I procrastinate, laze around, and make excuses. Disgusting. I have been presented with the American Dream and what do I do with it? Throw it away. Opportunities some have never even had, right in front of me, and as each day passes, another door closes. 
                  The thing is, I don't have any right to complain. At all. I've been given the tools, the skills, and the knowledge to make changes. There is nobody trying to restrict me from doing so. No society has turned their back on me. I am not deserving of pity. To see someone such as Pecola and then to see myself. It sickens me. I, who have wasted multiple opportunities, cannot even begin to compare to her. Why am I the one to live such a carefree lifestyle? Why am I the one with all the opportunities? These should have been Pecola's, not mine.  

"All the waste and beauty of the world—which is what she herself was. All of our waste which we dumped on her and which she absorbed. And all of our beauty, which was hers first and which she gave to us."

                   All of these serve as a reminder as to why I am grateful. Grateful for my friends, teachers, family, and all who truly care about me. For if I had grown up in Pecola's shoes, I could not have lived. I could not have withstood such a society. I would've broken immediately. If The Bluest Eye has taught me anything, it is that I am blessed to be who I am. To live in such a place here and now, is more than I could've asked for. I am lucky. To be here, sitting in a chair typing this...To have people care about what I think and care about who I am. I have so much to be thankful for.

Analyzing Actions

               The Bluest Eye is a story unlike any others that I have read previously. It attempts to cover a wide variety of topics through story components. It's content is one that is extremely different from the typical literature that is read in classrooms. That's why I think I enjoy reading it so much; it is so very different. There's no sugarcoating anything. It's black and white truth. From the adult conversations, to violence, to extremely dark imagery, Morrison manages to pack all of this into the first eighty pages. One of the parts that first stood out was the purchasing of the sofa. The way that Morrison describes the furniture and it's problems seems odd at first, until examined further. Only then is it clear that sofa, split across the back, depicts a slave. Only then is it clear that that sofa, which "[Nobody] could take joy in owning it", is really about the African American in society. It's these moments of reflection and seeking Morrison's purpose that makes this story so unique. Another aspect of the story that's so interesting are the characters. Each character feel so genuine. Perhaps that is because their personalities are demonstrated by both actions and words, which can spark large contrasts similar to people in real life. Take Maureen Peal for example, she tends to know a lot about a bunch of different things, but not in its entirety. She knows about law suits for example, but not what they really are. She also thinks she knows why women have periods, but doesn't completely know. This once again reflects this contrast between innocence and reality. Children tend to be seen as extremely innocent, but this isn't the truth. Children know a lot about what's really going on, even if they don't understand completely. That's why I find The Bluest Eye so very interesting. It manages to explain so very much, while attempting to explain so very little.

Reliving Reflection

            Race has come up multiple times in our discussions. Think of "The Meaning of the July Fourth for the Negro", The Lone Ranger, and "Because My Father Always Said He Was the Only Indian Who Saw Jimi Hendrix Play 'The Star-Spangled Banner' at Woodstock". Our in class discussions, however, are the most interesting parts, because unlike many of the other topics, not everyone agrees on the same ideas. While others might say that race is obviously a social construct, parts of society tend to disagree. Next up on this journey of discovery is the book, The Bluest Eye, by Toni Morrison. Even though the foreword is just four pages, Morrison's passion and fire for the subject is clearly shown. The foreword opens up with a truth; all people know how it feels to be disliked. I love this opening because the first line already garners the support and sympathy of nearly every reader, no matter their differences. It's an issue that almost everyone can relate to. Nobody likes being disliked. Nobody. As she discusses her own story she also giver he own reasons for writing. She remembers a childhood conversation, in which, one of her friends wished that she had blue eyes. These anecdotes and personal thoughts give the novel verisimilitude. Her looking back on her childhood felt reminded me of The Glass Castle. The way the both revisit memories of the past and search for meaning. How Morrison tries to find meaning in her friend's statement and how Walls does the same for her Father's casino gambling and broken relationship. How they both end up profiling themselves, Morrison by race, and Walls by wealth. The two memoirs are not so different. Their reflective nature and deeper thinking are both qualities that I find most fascinating. Their books are ways for themselves "to peck away" at these questions that were asked long ago.

"I can say that my narrative project is as difficult today as it was then."

Not Enough

They say that if you give it your all, that you will never regret. But is that really true? What if your all isn't enough. What if all that effort you put in ends up not mattering? How is that any different than if you had put in no effort? Just because you can tell yourself that you tried your best, doesn't change the outcome. To me that's just an excuse, a cop-out, a way to ignore the past. It's frustrating and shameful. It creates fears and doubts. What if I'm really not good enough? What if all the time I spent on something ends up being meaningless?

Mr. Spiegelman understands. He too has been there and has doubted himself. His own father looked down upon him. Art's unwillingness to help him with the roof, his poor choice in coats, his overpaying for a tape recorder, his stubbornness and defiant nature, are all things that make him "flawed". It doesn't matter that Art became a successful author. It doesn't matter that he's the first to win the Pulitzer Prize for a graphic novel. It does not matter. What does matter is that he wasn't in the Holocaust. Art is not Richieu. That's all that matters. So long as that fact remains, he can never be equal. In his father's eyes, he will always be less than Richieu. 

"No matter what I accomplish, it doesn't seem like much compared to surviving Auschwitz".

Life isn't always beautiful. It can be painful, upsetting, and frustrating. Sometimes life throws obstacles in your path, and you get knocked over. To remember the mistakes of the past is not something anyone really desires. I can't help but wonder what his life was like when he was making Maus. Was it painful? Did it hurt? Surely if I look up some of his interviews I can find the exact answer. But... after some thought, I realize that that isn't necessary. He has already told me what I needed to know. His feelings are right here, carefully crafted into every frame and every page, right here in front of my eyes. 

We cannot escape the past, just as we cannot escape the present. To move forward, we cannot stay stuck in the past... But to truly move forward, we must also always remember.

The Masked Maus

          The shift in time frames is an integral part of Maus, and it is used for many different purposes. In the chapter "Auschwitz (Time Flies), Spiegelman begins a whole new time frame, the one of present day. Here, Art begins to expand on a whole wide range of themes through various techniques. One of the most noticeable is the increase in the presence of masks. The masks are drawn on everybody, including the reporters and the businessmen. The masks, however, are not the same, just like how the animals drawn are not the same. They are of mice, cats, dogs, and pigs; the animals that have been drawn in the story. This stark separation from their original state of full-fledged animals to one of disguises is a sign of difference. Unlike the burned victims laying underneath their feet (who have no masks), this change signals the lies and deception of the people.  They aren't the same as the others. They have concealed motives involving Spiegelman and his story. Whether it be for their own fame or for business practices, their goals don't involve the story, but instead the "selling" of it. 

"Artie, baby. Check out this licensing deal. You get 50% of the profits. We'll make a million. Your dad would be proud!"

           The mask motif, however, isn't just reserved for businessmen and reporters. It is also drawn on the therapist, Pavel, and Spiegelman, himself. In this instance, however, the mask isn't a representation of selfishness and trickery, but instead, one of awareness. 
It is in this conversation, in which the string and the masks are the most visible. The heads and hair of Pavel and Artie are distinctly shown, giving them a much more humanized appearance. Through this present day narrative, Spiegelman shows the reader that one cannot simply be classified by their nationality or religion. That underneath the mask lies something that we all share in common, being human. To unmask what lies beneath the exterior, and to look deeper, that is what truly matters.